by Prof. Basil Huntingdon
Dept. of Biochemistry
I’ve been teaching at this university for well on forty years now. I’ve learned a lot of things about the human condition‚ examined many facets of human behaviour. I’ve satisfied a lot of my questions‚ but one still irks me: why are all you students so fucking stupid?
This is the University of Toronto‚ we’re supposed to harbour some of the brightest minds in the country. Yet when I put a test to you schlogs the best I come up with is an average worthy of a semiotics class at Trent. If you can’t fucking remember the difference between monoiodotyrosine and tetraiodotyrosine‚ how do you expect to get a job in the real world?
The worst thing about you kids is that you don’t even realize how fucking stupid you lot are. You sit in Con Hall with your C averages dreaming of a future in Med School. For Crissakes people‚ if you couldn’t break a 70 in first year chemistry what the fuck makes you think you’re going to be a doctor? If you think volunteer service at Mount Sinai is enough to mask your pitiful score on the MCAT‚ think again. And telling the acceptance committee that you really really like money and the letters D and R together isn’t going to work either. Everybody’s been freaking out and worrying themselves sick over the double cohort issue. Funding this‚ university acceptance that‚ blah blah blah. What the fuck is so difficult about this problem? The answer really is so simple: keep the stupid people out of university.
I mean‚ fuck. We’ve got universities in this province with entrance averages below 70 per cent. Below 70 per cent? If you got even one grade below 70 per cent in high school you should just sign yourself up for the retard brigade right now. I could’ve wiped my ass on a sheet of 8 1/2 by 11 in high school and still gotten an A.
Let’s just cut the bottom out of the double cohort already. Allow the same number of students into first year‚ and let the masses sign up for classes at Seneca. Maybe then a bachelor’s degree will be worth something again‚ and I can finally have a decent class to teach. A class that will actually listen to what I have to say instead of sleeping it off all day after binge drinking the night before. You come to university to use your brain cells‚ not kill them. Or if you’re not going to use your mediocre brains‚ please don’t take my class.
Because if I get one more batch of the typical dipshits‚ I swear to god I’m going to fucking lose it.