Since I first started writing books and giving talks I’ve made it a habit to make salty statements that at first blush seem deeply offensive – but at second glance lead (I hope) to new perspectives in my friends and audiences.
Lately I’ve made one crack that has particularly riled people: “I hate Buddhism.”
Some laugh. Many cringe. Sadly, not many get the joke. Let me continue.
“The Buddha was a deadbeat dad. Why should I care about anything he has to say? What could be more selfish – or less useful – than staring at your belly button and pondering how we are ‘all one’, without lifting a finger to make the world a better place? The Buddha should just have got a fucking job, but being a spoiled rich kid, I’m sure that was beyond the bounds of his imagination.”
Obviously I’m just trying to get a laugh. I don’t hate Buddhism. I just find the entire belief system a bit annoying and sanctimonious.
I’ve never understood religious faith of any kind, and having never really understood it, I’ve never respected it or even wanted to understand it better. I just find it old, archaic and silly. So – I don’t really hate Buddhism, I just hate all religion. Now at this point I’m sure many people are thinking, “Buddhism isn’t a religion, it’s a belief system with a set of philosophies.”
Sigh. If it’s not a religion, I respond, then why do adherents wear identikit costumes, construct enormous temples, and act like they’re better than other people? Like they have insights into the nature of reality the rest of us silly “unenlightened” folk don’t have? Sure sounds like a religion to me.
But Buddhism remains the only form of faith that Western white folk still adhere to with some semblance of pride. Fallen Catholics for example will readily admit they only remain sympathetic to the Church’s continued existence because they were indoctrinated from birth – if that stuff is imprinted on you from day one, it’s very hard to deprogramme. Same goes for most religions, the monotheistic ones in particular.
Yet Buddhism – again, sold as a “belief system” and not a religion – doesn’t carry the same embarrassing stigma, so it’s much easier for white Western folk to embrace without shame. And it does – like all religions – have a few great lessons to share. Such as abstaining from pursuing wealth, or adopting a meditation practice to control how one reacts to life’s stresses.
Nonetheless, Buddhism has always rubbed me up the wrong way – partly because I’ve known so many self-professed Buddhists in my adult life who were unbearably sanctimonious. But it has also always annoyed me because the doctrines contradict and undermine how beautiful and fulfilling everyday life can be, out in the real world – and not in the confines of a monastery. I’ve never thought it has the deep insights it’s widely believed to possess. Now, I know Buddhism comes in many flavours and many traditions, and I don’t claim to be fully informed on any of them (let alone all of them). But let’s go through some of the basic beliefs and tenets.
Let’s start with this: “Existence is suffering.” Seriously? Sure there are parts of being alive that involve suffering – but there’s an awful lot that is indescribably pleasurable: orgasms, sunsets, music, the taste of cheese. I could go on. “To deny our hedonistic instincts is intellectually stunting,” I argued in the introduction to my first book. Or as Dylan Moran once put it: “Anyone who doesn’t believe in God or the devil has never been properly kissed – or been on a Ryanair flight with a hangover.”
I’ve also always hated the concept of karma – it just seemed like an excuse to ignore the suffering of others. Victim-blaming. To me it’s the philosophical equivalent of neoconservatives blaming homeless people for their situation – a lazy way to approach social inequalities. And nothing could appeal to me less than the idea that only abstaining from sensual pleasures – from sex to intoxicants and even foul language – will put you on the road. Abstaining from foul language? Fuck that.
Even the idea that one should “refrain from taking what is not given” annoys me. In an age of rapacious tax evasion by the world’s biggest companies, I would love to see a bit more of a Robin Hood attitude undertaken by the public at large.
But of all the Buddhist ideals I’ve always loathed, considering them to be antithetical to what makes life worth living, this one stands out: the rejection of the idea of “attachment”: “As long as there is attachment to things that are unreliable, changing and impermanent, there will be suffering… If craving is the cause of suffering, then the cessation of suffering will surely follow from the complete fading away and ceasing of that very craving.”
“Attachment”? I believe the word that should have been employed, my friends, is “Love”. And as one of my best friends puts it: “Life is about love.” This is what has always annoyed me about Buddhism: it makes no place for the importance of passion. And our passions are what make us who we are. Our passion for food, for music, for art, for books, for our friends. For being alive.
And yes, attachment comes with the cost of suffering – all forms of love will invariably end in tears, because none of us are immortal. My heart has been broken many times, and the first time it happened my mother said: “Would you rather feel the whole range of human emotions, including this pain – or would you rather just be another one of the walking dead?”
Of course, Buddhists – like everyone, from religiously inclined folk to card-carrying atheists – are simply trying to find the answers to what to do with their time on Earth. All of us want to understand: what constitutes a life well-lived? Why are we here, what should we do?
I spent three years on a book exploring and celebrating how sex, drugs and music evolved, and I came to the conclusion that they’re not trivial or basic pursuits – they are irreplaceable and crucial components of the human condition. Without them, we would not be human.
I’ll give you a few nuggets: The clitoris is the only anatomical organ – male or female, human or otherwise – that is designed for one thing only, and that is pleasure. It is ancillary – and it is spectacular.
We might think drugs and alcohol are bad for us (and they can be), but if we hadn’t evolved to be able to consume alcohol in moderate forms, we might never have developed our big, juicy conscious brains (it’s called “the drunken monkey hypothesis” – look it up).
And music? It took three billion years for our capacity to feel a burning in our hearts like the sensation of love to evolve – music is evolution’s greatest hit. It’s a gift.
Our bodies are built for pleasure. So spare me any “life is suffering” nonsense, because any serious study of the nature of our species tells us otherwise. Existence isn’t about suffering – nor is it about sitting on a mountain staring at your belly button, focusing on your breath, and ignoring the suffering of others. Life is meant to be enjoyed – because that’s what evolution programmed us for. Any other viewpoint is intellectually destitute… And I am not interested.